| Boy do I have a treat for you guys! |
| If this works you can send thanks to emeli@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu for |
| bringing it to you, though I did not transcribe it. |
| |
| "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" |
| -- the strictly unofficial script of the movie, |
| done in a fit of boredom by =AHH 01Jan87= |
| |
| The Cast (in order of appearance [roughly]): |
| KING ARTHUR : Graham Chapman |
| PATSY : Terry Gilliam |
| GUARD #1 : Michael Palin |
| GUARD #2 : John Cleese |
| MORTICIAN : Eric Idle |
| CUSTOMER : John Cleese |
| DEAD PERSON : ??? |
| DENNIS : Michael Palin |
| WOMAN : Terry Jones |
| BLACK KNIGHT : Michael Palin? |
| VILLAGER #1 : Eric Idle |
| VILLAGER #2 : Michael Palin |
| SIR BEDEMIR : Terry Jones |
| WITCH : ??? |
| VILLAGER #3 : John Cleese |
| NARRATOR: Michael Palin |
| SIR LANCELOT : John Cleese |
| SIR GALAHAD : Michael Palin |
| SIR ROBIN : Eric Idle |
| GOD : ??? |
| FRENCH GUARD : John Cleese |
| MINSTREL : ??? |
| LEFT HEAD : |
| MIDDLE HEAD : |
| RIGHT HEAD : |
| Graham Chapman |
| Terry Jones |
| Michael Palin |
| OLD MAN : Terry Gilliam |
| HEAD KNIGHT OF NEE : Michael Palin |
| FATHER : Michael Palin |
| PRINCE HERBERT : Graham Chapman? |
| GUARD #1 : Eric Idle |
| GUARD #2 : ??? |
| CONCORDE : Eric Idle |
| OLD CRONE : ??? |
| ROGER THE SHRUBBER : Eric Idle |
| TIM THE ENCHANTER: John Cleese |
| BROTHER MAYNARD: Eric Idle |
| SECOND BROTHER: Michael Palin |
| |
| Scene 1 |
| |
| [wind] |
| [clop clop] |
| ARTHUR: Whoa there! |
| [clop clop] |
| |
| GUARD #1: Halt! Who goes there? |
| ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle |
| of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign |
| of all England! |
| GUARD #1: Pull the other one! |
| ARTHUR: I am. And this my trusty servant Patsy. |
| We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights |
| who will join me in my court of Camelot. I must speak with your lord |
| and master. |
| GUARD #1: What, ridden on a horse? |
| ARTHUR: Yes! |
| GUARD #1: You're using coconuts! |
| ARTHUR: What? |
| GUARD #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and your bangin' |
| 'em together. |
| ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this |
| land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through-- |
| GUARD #1: Where'd you get the coconut? |
| ARTHUR: We found them. |
| GUARD #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical! |
| ARTHUR: What do you mean? |
| GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone. |
| ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin |
| or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not |
| strangers to our land. |
| GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? |
| ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried. |
| GUARD #1: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut? |
| ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk! |
| GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple |
| question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound |
| coconut. |
| ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master |
| that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here. |
| GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow |
| needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right? |
| ARTHUR: Please! |
| GUARD #1: Am I right? |
| ARTHUR: I'm not interested! |
| GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow! |
| GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European |
| swallow, that's my point. |
| GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that... |
| ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court |
| at Camelot?! |
| GUARD #1: But then of course African swallows are not migratory. |
| GUARD #2: Oh, yeah... |
| GUARD #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway... |
| [clop clop] |
| GUARD #2: Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it together? |
| GUARD #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line. |
| GUARD #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a standard creeper! |
| GUARD #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers? |
| GUARD #2: Well, why not? |
| |
| Scene 2 |
| |
| MORTICIAN: Bring out your dead! |
| [clang] |
| Bring out your dead! |
| [clang] |
| Bring out your dead! |
| [clang] |
| Bring out your dead! |
| [clang] |
| Bring out your dead! |
| [clang] |
| Bring out your dead! |
| [clang] |
| Bring out your dead! |
| [clang] |
| Bring out your dead! |
| [clang] |
| Bring out your dead! |
| [clang] |
| Bring out your dead! |
| [clang] |
| Bring out your dead! |
| [clang] |
| Bring out your dead! |
| CUSTOMER: Here's one -- nine pence. |
| DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead! |
| MORTICIAN: What? |
| CUSTOMER: Nothing -- here's your nine pence. |
| DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead! |
| MORTICIAN: Here -- he says he's not dead! |
| CUSTOMER: Yes, he is. |
| DEAD PERSON: I'm not! |
| MORTICIAN: He isn't. |
| CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill. |
| DEAD PERSON: I'm getting better! |
| CUSTOMER: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment. |
| MORTICIAN: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations. |
| DEAD PERSON: I don't want to go in the cart! |
| CUSTOMER: Oh, don't be such a baby. |
| MORTICIAN: I can't take him... |
| DEAD PERSON: I feel fine! |
| CUSTOMER: Oh, do us a favor... |
| MORTICIAN: I can't. |
| CUSTOMER: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't |
| be long. |
| MORTICIAN: Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost nine |
| today. |
| CUSTOMER: Well, when is your next round? |
| MORTICIAN: Thursday. |
| DEAD PERSON: I think I'll go for a walk. |
| CUSTOMER: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there |
| something you can do? |
| DEAD PERSON: I feel happy... I feel happy. |
| [whop] |
| CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much. |
| MORTICIAN: Not at all. See you on Thursday. |
| CUSTOMER: Right. |
| [clop clop] |
| MORTICIAN: Who's that then? |
| CUSTOMER: I don't know. |
| MORTICIAN: Must be a king. |
| CUSTOMER: Why? |
| MORTICIAN: He hasn't got shit all over him. |
| |
| Scene 3 |
| |
| [clop clop] |
| ARTHUR: Old woman! |
| DENNIS: Man! |
| ARTHUR: Man, sorry. What knight live in that castle over there? |
| DENNIS: I'm thirty seven. |
| ARTHUR: What? |
| DENNIS: I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old! |
| ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you 'Man'. |
| DENNIS: Well, you could say 'Dennis'. |
| ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called Dennis. |
| DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you? |
| ARTHUR: I did say sorry about the old woman, but from the behind |
| you looked-- |
| DENNIS: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior! |
| ARTHUR: Well, I AM king... |
| DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By |
| exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma |
| which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society! |
| If there's ever going to be any progress-- |
| WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh -- how'd you do? |
| ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britons. |
| Who's castle is that? |
| WOMAN: King of the who? |
| ARTHUR: The Britons. |
| WOMAN: Who are the Britons? |
| ARTHUR: Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king. |
| WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous |
| collective. |
| DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. |
| A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes-- |
| WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again. |
| DENNIS: That's what it's all about if only people would-- |
| ARTHUR: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives |
| in that castle? |
| WOMAN: No one live there. |
| ARTHUR: Then who is your lord? |
| WOMAN: We don't have a lord. |
| ARTHUR: What? |
| DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarchosyndicalist commune. We take |
| it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week. |
| ARTHUR: Yes. |
| DENNIS: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified |
| at a special biweekly meeting. |
| ARTHUR: Yes, I see. |
| DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,-- |
| ARTHUR: Be quiet! |
| DENNIS: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more-- |
| ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet! |
| WOMAN: Order, eh -- who does he think he is? |
| ARTHUR: I am your king! |
| WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you. |
| ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings. |
| WOMAN: Well, 'ow did you become king then? |
| ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake, |
| [angels sing] |
| her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur |
| from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, |
| Arthur was to carry Excalibur. |
| [singing stops] |
| That is why I am your king! |
| DENNIS: Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords |
| is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives |
| from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. |
| ARTHUR: Be quiet! |
| DENNIS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power |
| just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you! |
| ARTHUR: Shut up! |
| DENNIS: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just |
| because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away! |
| ARTHUR: Shut up! Will you shut up! |
| DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system. |
| ARTHUR: Shut up! |
| DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! |
| HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed! |
| ARTHUR: Bloody peasant! |
| DENNIS: Oh, what a give away. Did you here that, did you here that, |
| eh? That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, you saw |
| it didn't you? |
| |
| Scene 4 |
| |
| [arg] [ugh] [hah] |
| |
| ARTHUR: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight. |
| I am Arthur, King of the Britons. |
| |
| I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me |
| in my courted camelot. |
| |
| You have proved yourself worthy will you join me? |
| |
| You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy. |
| BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass. |
| ARTHUR: What? |
| BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass. |
| ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must |
| cross this bridge. |
| BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die. |
| ARTHUR: I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside! |
| BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man. |
| ARTHUR: So be it! |
| [hah] |
| [parry thrust] |
| [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off] |
| ARTHUR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary. |
| BLACK KNIGHT: 'Tis but a scratch. |
| ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm's off! |
| BLACK KNIGHT: No, it isn't. |
| ARTHUR: Well, what's that then? |
| BLACK KNIGHT: I've had worse. |
| ARTHUR: You liar! |
| BLACK KNIGHT: Come on you pansy! |
| [hah] |
| [parry thrust] |
| [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off] |
| ARTHUR: Victory is mine! |
| [kneeling] |
| We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc- |
| [hah] |
| BLACK KNIGHT: Come on then. |
| ARTHUR: What? |
| BLACK KNIGHT: Have at you! |
| ARTHUR: You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine. |
| BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, had enough, eh? |
| ARTHUR: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left. |
| BLACK KNIGHT: Yes I have. |
| ARTHUR: Look! |
| BLACK KNIGHT: Just a flesh wound. |
| [bang] |
| ARTHUR: Look, stop that. |
| BLACK KNIGHT: Chicken! Chicken! |
| ARTHUR: Look, I'll have your leg. Right! |
| [whop] |
| BLACK KNIGHT: Right, I'll do you for that! |
| ARTHUR: You'll what? |
| BLACK KNIGHT: Come 'ere! |
| ARTHUR: What are you going to do, bleed on me? |
| BLACK KNIGHT: I'm invincible! |
| ARTHUR: You're a loony. |
| BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs! |
| Have at you! Come on then. |
| [whop] |
| [ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's other leg off] |
| BLACK KNIGHT: All right; we'll call it a draw. |
| ARTHUR: Come, Patsy. |
| BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, oh, I see, running away then. You yellow |
| bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite |
| your legs off! |
| |
| Scene 5 |
| |
| CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch! |
| VILLAGER #1: We have found a witch, might we burn her? |
| CROWD: Burn her! Burn! |
| BEDEMIR: How do you know she is a witch? |
| VILLAGER #2: She looks like one. |
| BEDEMIR: Bring her forward. |
| WITCH: I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch. |
| BEDEMIR: But you are dressed as one. |
| WITCH: They dressed me up like this. |
| CROWD: No, we didn't -- no. |
| WITCH: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one. |
| BEDEMIR: Well? |
| VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the nose. |
| BEDEMIR: The nose? |
| VILLAGER #1: And the hat -- but she is a witch! |
| CROWD: Burn her! Witch! Witch! Burn her! |
| BEDEMIR: Did you dress her up like this? |
| CROWD: No, no... no ... yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit. |
| VILLAGER #1: She has got a wart. |
| BEDEMIR: What makes you think she is a witch? |
| VILLAGER #3: Well, she turned me into a newt. |
| BEDEMIR: A newt? |
| VILLAGER #3: I got better. |
| VILLAGER #2: Burn her anyway! |
| CROWD: Burn! Burn her! |
| BEDEMIR: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether |
| she is a witch. |
| CROWD: Are there? What are they? |
| BEDEMIR: Tell me, what do you do with witches? |
| VILLAGER #2: Burn! |
| CROWD: Burn, burn them up! |
| BEDEMIR: And what do you burn apart from witches? |
| VILLAGER #1: More witches! |
| VILLAGER #2: Wood! |
| BEDEMIR: So, why do witches burn? |
| |
| VILLAGER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of wood...? |
| BEDEMIR: Good! |
| CROWD: Oh yeah, yeah... |
| BEDEMIR: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood? |
| VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her. |
| BEDEMIR: Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone? |
| VILLAGER #2: Oh, yeah. |
| BEDEMIR: Does wood sink in water? |
| VILLAGER #1: No, no. |
| VILLAGER #2: It floats! It floats! |
| VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond! |
| CROWD: The pond! |
| BEDEMIR: What also floats in water? |
| VILLAGER #1: Bread! |
| VILLAGER #2: Apples! |
| VILLAGER #3: Very small rocks! |
| VILLAGER #1: Cider! |
| VILLAGER #2: Great gravy! |
| VILLAGER #1: Cherries! |
| VILLAGER #2: Mud! |
| VILLAGER #3: Churches -- churches! |
| VILLAGER #2: Lead -- lead! |
| ARTHUR: A duck. |
| CROWD: Oooh. |
| BEDEMIR: Exactly! So, logically..., |
| VILLAGER #1: If... she.. weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood. |
| BEDEMIR: And therefore--? |
| VILLAGER #1: A witch! |
| CROWD: A witch! |
| BEDEMIR: We shall use my larger scales! |
| [yelling] |
| BEDEMIR: Right, remove the supports! |
| [whop] |
| [creak] |
| CROWD: A witch! A witch! |
| WITCH: This is a fair cop. |
| CROWD: Burn her! Burn! [yelling] |
| BEDEMIR: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science? |
| ARTHUR: I am Arthur, King of the Britons. |
| BEDEMIR: My liege! |
| ARTHUR: Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot, |
| and join us at the Round Table? |
| BEDEMIR: My liege! I would be honored. |
| ARTHUR: What is your name? |
| BEDEMIR: Bedemir, my leige. |
| ARTHUR: Then I dub you Sir Bedemir, Knight of the Round Table. |
| |
| [Narrative Interlude] |
| |
| NARRATOR: The wise Sir Bedemir was the first to join King Arthur's |
| knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow: |
| Sir Lancelot the Brave; Sir Galahad the Pure; and Sir Robin the |
| Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot who had nearly fought the Dragon |
| of Agnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol |
| and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Baden Hill; and |
| the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together they formed |
| a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries, |
| the Knights of the Round Table. |
| |
| Scene 6 |
| |
| BEDEMIR: And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped. |
| ARTHUR: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedemir. Explain again how |
| sheeps' bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes. |
| BEDEMIR: Oh, certainly, sir. |
| LANCELOT: Look, my liege! |
| ARTHUR: Camelot! |
| GALAHAD: Camelot! |
| LANCELOT: Camelot! |
| PATSY: It's only a model. |
| ARTHUR: Shhh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us |
| ride... to... Camelot. |
| |
| [singing] |
| We're knights of the round table |
| We dance when e'er we're able |
| We do routines and parlour scenes |
| With footwork impecc-Able. |
| |
| We dine well here in Camelot |
| We eat ham and jam and spam a lot |
| |
| [dancing] |
| |
| We're knights of the Round Table |
| Our shows are for-mid-able |
| Oh many times we're given rhymes |
| That are quite unsing-able |
| We not so fat in Camelot |
| We sing from the diaphragm a lot |
| |
| [tap-dancing] |
| |
| Oh we're tough and able |
| Quite indefatigable |
| Between our quests we [something] |
| And impersonate Clark Gable |
| It's a bit too loud in Camelot |
| I have to push the pram a lot. |
| |
| ARTHUR: Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot -- it is |
| a silly place. |
| Right. |
| |
| Scene 7 |
| |
| GOD: Arthur! Arthur, King of the Britons! Oh, don't grovel! If |
| there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling. |
| ARTHUR: Sorry-- |
| GOD: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's |
| "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy". What are you |
| doing now!? |
| ARTHUR: I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord. |
| GOD: Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms -- they're so |
| depressing. Now knock it off! |
| ARTHUR: Yes, Lord. |
| GOD: Right! Arthur, King of the Britons -- your Knights of the |
| Round |
| Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times. |
| ARTHUR: Good idea, oh Lord! |
| GOD: 'Course it's a good idea! Behold! Arthur, this is the Holy |
| Grail. Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this Grail. |
| That is your purpose, Arthur -- the Quest for the Holy Grail. |
| ARTHUR: A blessing! |
| LANCELOT: A blessing from the Lord! |
| GALAHAD: God be praised! |
| |
| Scene 8 |
| |
| [clop clop] |
| ARTHUR: Halt! Hallo! Hallo! |
| GUARD: 'Allo! Who is zis? |
| ARTHUR: It is King Arthur, and these are the Knights of the Round |
| Table. Who's castle is this? |
| GUARD: This is the castle of mumble mumble |
| ARTHUR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God |
| with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night |
| he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail. |
| GUARD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen... |
| Uh, he's already got one, you see? |
| ARTHUR: What? |
| GALAHAD: He says they've already got one! |
| ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one? |
| GUARD: Oh, yes, it's very nice-uh (I told him we already got one) |
| ARTHUR: Well, um, can we come up and have a look? |
| GUARD: Of course not! You are English types-uh! |
| ARTHUR: Well, what are you then? |
| GUARD: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you |
| silly king! |
| GALAHAD: What are you doing in England? |
| GUARD: Mind your own business! |
| ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle |
| by force! |
| GUARD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your |
| bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called |
| Arthur-king, you and all your silly English kaniggets. Thppppt! |
| GALAHAD: What a strange person. |
| ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man! |
| GUARD: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal |
| food trough whopper! I fart in your general direction! You mother was |
| a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! |
| ???: Is there someone else up there we could talk to? |
| GUARD: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-uh! |
| ARTHUR: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable. |
| GUARD: (Fetch-a da mush.) |
| wha? |
| GUARD: (Fetch-a da mush!) |
| [moo] |
| ARTHUR: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall-- |
| [twong] |
| [mooooooo] |
| Jesus Christ! |
| Right! Charge! |
| ALL: Charge! |
| [mayhem] |
| GUARD: Ah, this one is for your mother! |
| [twong] |
| ALL: Run away! |
| GUARD: Thpppt! |
| LANCELOT: Fiends! I'll tear them apart! |
| ARTHUR: No no, no. |
| BEDEMIR: Sir! I have a plan, sir. |
| |
| [later] |
| |
| [chop] |
| [rumble rumble squeak] |
| ce labon a bunny do |
| wha? |
| un codoo? |
| a present! |
| oh, un codoo. |
| oui oui hurry! |
| wha-? |
| let's go! |
| [rumble rumble squeak] |
| |
| ARTHUR: What happens now? |
| BEDEMIR: Well, now, uh, Lancelet, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall, |
| and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise -- not only |
| by surprise, but totally unarmed! |
| ARTHUR: Who leaps out? |
| BEDEMIR: Uh, Lancelot, Galahad, and I. Uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh |
| and uh.... |
| ARTHUR: Oh.... |
| BEDEMIR: Oh.... Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden badger-- |
| [twong] |
| ALL: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! |
| [splat] |
| FRENCH: Oh, haw haw haw. |
| |
| Scene 9 |
| |
| Pictures for Schools, take 8. |
| DIRECTOR: Action! |
| |
| NARRATOR: Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened |
| King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely |
| by surprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required |
| if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful |
| conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest knights, decided that |
| they should separate, and search for the Grail individually. Now, this |
| is what they did-- |
| [tromp tromp] |
| [slash] |
| WOMAN: Greg! |
| |
| Scene 10 |
| |
| NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Robin.... |
| So each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north, |
| through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels. |
| |
| MINSTREL (singing): Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot. |
| He was not afraid to die, o Brave Sir Robin. |
| He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways. |
| Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin! |
| |
| He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed |
| into a pulp, |
| Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken. |
| To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, |
| And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin! |
| |
| His head smashed in and his heart cut out, |
| And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged, |
| And his nostrils ripped and his bottom burned off, |
| And his penis-- |
| ROBIN: That's -- that's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads. |
| Looks like there's dirty work afoot. |
| DENNIS: Anarchosyndicalism is a way of preserving freedom. |
| WOMAN: Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom. Now I've dropped my mud. |
| ALL HEADS: Halt! Who art thou? |
| MINSTREL (singing): He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who-- |
| ROBIN: Shut up! Um, n-n-nobody really, I'm j-just um, just passing |
| through. |
| ALL HEADS: What do you want? |
| MINSTREL (singing): To fight, and-- |
| ROBIN: Shut up! Um, oo, n-nothing, nothing really -- I, uh, j-j-ust |
| to um, just to p-pass through good Sir knight. |
| ALL HEADS: I'm afraid not! |
| ROBIN: Ah. W-well, actually I am a Knight of the Round Table. |
| ALL HEADS: You're a Knight of the Round Table? |
| ROBIN: I am. |
| TJ:In that case I shall have to kill you. |
| GC:Shall I? |
| MP:Oh, I don't think so. |
| GC:Well, what do I think? |
| TJ:I think kill him. |
| MP:Well let's be nice to him. |
| GC:Oh shut up. |
| TJ:Perhaps- |
| GC:And you. |
| TJ:Oh quick get the sword out I want to cut his head off! |
| MP:Oh, cut your own head off! |
| GC:Yes, do us all a favor! |
| TJ:What? |
| MP:Yapping on all the time. |
| GC:You're lucky, you're not next to him. |
| TJ:What do you mean? |
| GC:You snore. |
| TJ:Oh I don't -- anyway, you've got bad breath. |
| GC:Well its only because you don't brush my teeth. |
| MP:Oh stop bitching and let's go have tea. |
| TJ:All right all right all right we'll kill him first and then have tea |
| and biscuits. |
| GC:Yes. |
| MP:Oh, but not biscuits. |
| TJ:All right all right not biscuits, but lets kill him anyway. |
| ALL HEADS: Right! |
| TJ:He buggered off. |
| MP:So he has, he scarpered. |
| |
| MINSTREL (singing): Brave Sir Robin ran away |
| ROBIN: No! |
| MINSTREL (singing): Bravely ran away away |
| ROBIN: I didn't! |
| MINSTREL (singing): When danger reared its ugly head, |
| He bravely turned his tail and fled |
| ROBIN: No! |
| MINSTREL (singing): Yes Brave Sir Robin turned about |
| ROBIN: I didn't! |
| MINSTREL (singing): And gallantly he chickened out |
| Bravely taking to his feet |
| ROBIN: I never did! |
| MINSTREL (singing): He beat a very brave retreat |
| ROBIN: Oh, lie! |
| MINSTREL (singing): Bravest of the brave Sir Robin |
| ROBIN: I never! |
| |
| Scene 11 |
| NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Galahad |
| |
| [boom crash] |
| [angels singing] |
| |
| [pound pound pound] |
| GALAHAD: Open the door! |
| Open the door! |
| [pound pound pound] |
| In the name of King Arthur, open the door! |
| [squeak thump] |
| [squeak boom] |
| ALL: Hello! |
| ZOOT: Welcome gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax. |
| GALAHAD: The Castle Anthrax? |
| ZOOT: Yes... oh, it's not a very good name is it? Oh! but we are |
| nice and we shall attend to your every, every need! |
| GALAHAD: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail? |
| ZOOT: The what? |
| GALAHAD: The Grail -- it is here? |
| ZOOT: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Midget! |
| Crepper! |
| MIDGET and CREPPER: Yes, oh Zoot! |
| ZOOT: Prepare a bed for our guest. |
| MIDGET and CREPPER: Oh thank you thank you thank you-- |
| ZOOT: Away away vilatesses[?]! The beds here are warm and soft -- and |
| very, very big. |
| GALAHAD: Well, look, I-I-uh-- |
| ZOOT: What is your name, handsome knight? |
| GALAHAD: Sir Galahad... the Chaste. |
| ZOOT: Mine is Zoot... just Zoot. Oh, but come! |
| GALAHAD: Look, please! In God's name, show me the Grail! |
| ZOOT: Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious! |
| GALAHAD: L-look, I have seen it! It is here, in the-- |
| ZOOT: Sir Galahad! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our |
| hospitality. |
| GALAHAD: Well, I-I-uh-- |
| ZOOT: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared |
| to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between |
| sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to |
| protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life -- bathing, dressing, undressing, |
| making exciting underwear.... We are just not used to handsome knights. |
| Nay, nay, come, come, you may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded! |
| GALAHAD: No, no -- i-it's nothing! |
| ZOOT: Oh, but you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please, |
| lie down. [clap clap] |
| PIGLET: Ah. What seems to be the trouble? |
| GALAHAD: They're doctors?! |
| ZOOT: Uh, they've had a basic medical training, yes. |
| GALAHAD: B-but-- |
| ZOOT: Oh, come come, you must try to rest! Doctor Piglet, Doctor |
| Winston, practice your art. |
| PIGLET: Try to relax. |
| GALAHAD: Are you sure that's necessary? |
| PIGLET: We must examine you. |
| GALAHAD: There's nothing wrong with that! |
| PIGLET: Please -- we are doctors. |
| GALAHAD: Get off the bed! I am sworn to chastity! |
| PIGLET: Back to your bed! |
| GALAHAD: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Grail! |
| PIGLET: There's no grail here. |
| GALAHAD: I have seen it, I have seen it. I have seen-- |
| GIRLS: Hello. |
| GALAHAD: Oh-- |
| VARIOUS GIRLS: Hello. |
| Hello. |
| Hello. |
| Hello. |
| Hello. |
| Hello. |
| Hello. |
| Hello. |
| Hello. |
| Hello. |
| Hello. |
| Hello. |
| GALAHAD: Zoot! |
| DINGO: No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo. |
| GALAHAD: Oh, well, excuse me, I-- |
| DINGO: Where are you going? |
| GALAHAD: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle! |
| DINGO: No! Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot! |
| GALAHAD: What is it? |
| DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting alight |
| to our beacon, which, I just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not the |
| first time we've had this problem. |
| GALAHAD: It's not the real Grail? |
| DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! Oh, she is a naughty |
| person, and she must pay the penalty -- and here in Castle Anthrax, we |
| have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon. You |
| must tie her down on a bed and spank her! |
| GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking! |
| DINGO: You must spank her well. And after you have spanked her, you |
| may deal with her as you like. And then, spank me. |
| VARIOUS GIRLS: And spank me. |
| And me. |
| And me. |
| DINGO: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking! |
| GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking! |
| DINGO: And after the spanking, the oral sex. |
| GIRLS: Oral sex! Oral sex! |
| GALAHAD: Well, I could stay a BIT longer. |
| LANCELOT: Sir Galahad! |
| GALAHAD: Oh, hello. |
| LANCELOT: Quick! |
| GALAHAD: What? |
| LANCELOT: Quick! |
| GALAHAD: Why? |
| LANCELOT: You're in great peril! |
| GALAHAD: |
| ZOOT: |
| LANCELOT: Silence, foul temptress! |
| GALAHAD: Now look, it's not important. |
| LANCELOT: Quick! Come on and we'll cover your escape! |
| GALAHAD: Look, I'm fine! |
| LANCELOT: Come on! |
| GALAHAD: Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed! |
| DINGO: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed! |
| GIRLS: Yes! Tackle us single-handed! |
| LANCELOT: No, Sir Galahad, come on! |
| GALAHAD: No, really, honestly, I can go back and handle this lot easily! |
| DINGO: Oh, yes, he can handle us easily. |
| GIRLS: Yes, yes! |
| GALAHAD: Wait! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred and fifty |
| of them! |
| DINGO: Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance. |
| GIRLS: Yes, yes. |
| [boom] |
| DINGO: Oh, shit. |
| [outside] |
| LANCELOT: We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril. |
| GALAHAD: I don't think I was. |
| LANCELOT: Yes you were, you were in terrible peril. |
| GALAHAD: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril. |
| LANCELOT: No, it's too perilous. |
| GALAHAD: Look, my particular knight sob as much peril as I can. |
| LANCELOT: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on! |
| GALAHAD: Well, let me have just a little bit of peril? |
| LANCELOT: No, it's unhealthy. |
| GALAHAD: Bet you're gay! |
| LANCELOT: No, I'm not. |
| |
| Narrative Interlude |
| |
| NARRATOR: Sir Lancelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain |
| temptation, but they were still no nearer the Grail. Meanwhile, King |
| Arthur and Sir Bedemir, not more than a swallow's flight away, had |
| discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight, obviously. |
| I mean, they were more than two laden swallow's flights away -- four, |
| really, if they hadn't a cord of line between them. I mean, if the birds |
| were walking and dragging-- |
| CROWD: Get on with it! |
| NARRATOR: Oh, anyway, on to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing |
| scene with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue, |
| in which there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a |
| starling -oolp! |
| |
| Scene 12 |
| |
| OLD MAN: Ah, hee he he ha! |
| ARTHUR: And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the grail? |
| OLD MAN: Ha ha he he he he! |
| ARTHUR: Where does he live? Old man, where does he live? |
| OLD MAN: He knows of a cave, a cave which no man has entered. |
| ARTHUR: And the Grail... The Grail is there? |
| OLD MAN: Very much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge |
| of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed. |
| ARTHUR: But the Grail! Where is the Grail!? |
| OLD MAN: Seek you the Bridge of Death. |
| ARTHUR: The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Grail? |
| OLD MAN: Hee hee ha ha! |
| |
| Scene 13 |
| |
| HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! |
| Nee! |
| Nee! |
| Nee! |
| ARTHUR: Who are you? |
| HEAD KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say... Nee! |
| ARTHUR: No! Not the Knights Who Say Nee! |
| HEAD KNIGHT: The same! |
| BEDEMIR: Who are they? |
| HEAD KNIGHT: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Nee, Pen, and |
| Nee-wom! |
| RANDOM: Nee-wom! |
| ARTHUR: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale! |
| HEAD KNIGHT: The Knights Who Say Nee demand a sacrifice! |
| ARTHUR: Knights of Nee, we are but simple travellers who seek the |
| enchanter who lives beyond these woods. |
| HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee! |
| ARTHUR and PARTY: Oh, ow! |
| HEAD KNIGHT: We shall say 'nee' again to you if you do not appease us. |
| ARTHUR: Well, what is it you want? |
| HEAD KNIGHT: We want... a shrubbery! |
| [chord] |
| ARTHUR: A what? |
| HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee! |
| ARTHUR and PARTY: Oh, ow! |
| ARTHUR: Please, please! No more! We shall find a shrubbery. |
| HEAD KNIGHT: You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will |
| never pass through this wood alive! |
| ARTHUR: O Knights of Nee, you are just and fair, and we will return |
| with a shrubbery. |
| HEAD KNIGHT: One that looks nice. |
| ARTHUR: Of course. |
| HEAD KNIGHT: And not too expensive. |
| ARTHUR: Yes. |
| HEAD KNIGHTS: Now... go! |
| |
| Scene 14 |
| |
| NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Lancelot. |
| |
| FATHER: One day, lad, all this will be yours! |
| HERBERT: What, the curtains? |
| FATHER: No, not the curtains, lad. All that you can see! Stretched |
| out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad! |
| HERBERT: But, Mother! |
| FATHER: Father, I'm Father. |
| HERBERT: But Father, I don't want any of that. |
| FATHER: Listen, lad. I've built this kingdom up from nothing. When |
| I started here, all there was was swamp. All the kings said I was daft |
| to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show |
| 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the |
| swamp. So I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank |
| into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. An' that's what your gonna |
| get, lad -- the strongest castle in these islands. |
| HERBERT: But I don't want any of that -- I'd rather-- |
| FATHER: Rather what?! |
| HERBERT: I'd rather... just... |
| [music] |
| ...sing! |
| FATHER: Stop that, stop that! You're not going to do a song while |
| I'm here. Now listen lad, in twenty minutes you're getting married to |
| a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain. |
| HERBERT: But I don't want land. |
| FATHER: Listen, Alex,-- |
| HERBERT: Herbert. |
| FATHER: Herbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we |
| can get. |
| HERBERT: But I don't like her. |
| FATHER: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, |
| she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land. |
| HERBERT: I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have... |
| a certain... special... |
| [music] |
| ...something... |
| FATHER: Cut that out, cut that out. Look, you're marryin' Princess |
| Looky, so you'd better get used to the idea. [smack] Guards! Make sure |
| the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get 'im. |
| GUARD #1: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him. |
| GUARD #2: Hic! |
| FATHER: No, no. Until I come and get 'im. |
| GUARD #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room. |
| FATHER: No, no, no. You stay in the room and make sure 'e doesn't |
| leave. |
| GUARD #1: And you'll come and get him. |
| GUARD #2: Hic! |
| FATHER: Right. |
| GUARD #1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him |
| entering the room. |
| FATHER: No, no. Leaving the room. |
| GUARD #1: Leaving the room, yes. |
| FATHER: All right? |
| GUARD #1: Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we... |
| FATHER: Yes, what is it? |
| GUARD #1: Oh, if-if, oh-- |
| FATHER: Look, it's quite simple. |
| GUARD #1: Uh... |
| FATHER: You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. |
| All right? |
| GUARD #2: Hic! |
| FATHER: Right. |
| GUARD #1: Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the room with us? |
| FATHER: N- No no no. You just keep him in here, and make sure-- |
| GUARD #1: Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had |
| to leave and we were-- |
| FATHER: No, no, just keep him in here-- |
| GUARD #1: Until you, or anyone else,-- |
| FATHER: No, not anyone else, just me-- |
| GUARD #1: Just you. |
| GUARD #2: Hic! |
| FATHER: Get back. |
| GUARD #1: Get back. |
| FATHER: Right? |
| GUARD #1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back. |
| FATHER: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave. |
| GUARD #1: What? |
| FATHER: Make sure 'e doesn't leave. |
| GUARD #1: The Prince? |
| FATHER: Yes, make sure 'e doesn't leave. |
| GUARD #1: Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant him. Y'know, it |
| seemed a bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a guard. |
| FATHER: Is that clear? |
| GUARD #2: Hic! |
| GUARD #1: Oh, quite clear, no problems. |
| FATHER: Right. |
| [starts to leave] |
| Where are you going? |
| GUARD #1: We're coming with you. |
| FATHER: No no, I want you to stay 'ere and make sure 'e doesn't leave. |
| GUARD #1: Oh, I see. Right. |
| HERBERT: But, Father! |
| FATHER: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! And no singing! |
| GUARD #2: Hic! |
| FATHER: Oh, go get a glass of water. |
| |
| Scene 15 |
| |
| LANCELOT: Well taken, Concorde! |
| CONCORDE: Thank you, sir! Most kind. |
| LANCELOT: And again... Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big |
| one...Ooof! Come on, Concorde! |
| [thwonk] |
| CONCORDE: Message for you, sir. |
| [fwump] |
| LANCELOT: Concorde! Concorde, speak to me! "To whoever finds this |
| note, I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against |
| my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the tall |
| tower of Swamp Castle." At last! A call, a cry of distress! This could |
| be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail! Brave, brave Concorde! You |
| shall not have died in vain! |
| CONCORDE: Uh, I'm-I'm not quite dead, sir. |
| LANCELOT: Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain! |
| CONCORDE: Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through, sir. |
| LANCELOT: Oh, I see. |
| CONCORDE: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you-- |
| LANCELOT: No, no, sweet Concorde! Stay here! I will send help as |
| soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own |
| particular... (sigh) |
| CONCORDE: Idiom, sir? |
| LANCELOT: Idiom! |
| CONCORDE: No, I feel fine, actually, sir. |
| LANCELOT: Farewell, sweet Concorde! |
| CONCORDE: I'll-uh, I'll just stay here, then, shall I, sir? Yeah. |
| |
| Scene 16 |
| |
| LANCELOT: Ha-ha! etc. |
| GUARD #1: Now, you're not allowed to come in here, and we're-ugh! |
| LANCELOT: O fair one, behold your humble servant Sir Lancelot |
| of Camelot. I have come to take -- oh, I'm terribly sorry. |
| HERBERT: You got my note! |
| LANCELOT: Uh, well, I got A note. |
| HERBERT: You've come to rescue me! |
| LANCELOT: Uh, well, no, you see-- |
| HERBERT: I knew that someone would, I knew that somewhere out there... |
| there must be... |
| [music] |
| ...someone... |
| FATHER: Stop that, stop that, stop it! Stop it! Who are you? |
| HERBERT: I'm your son! |
| FATHER: No, not you. |
| LANCELOT: I'm Sir Lancelot, sir. |
| HERBERT: He's come to rescue me, father. |
| LANCELOT: Well, let's not jump to conclusions. |
| FATHER: Did you kill all the guard? |
| LANCELOT: Uh..., oh, yes. Sorry. |
| FATHER: They cost fifty pounds each. |
| LANCELOT: Well, I'm awfully sorry, I'm -- I really can explain everything. |
| HERBERT: Don't be afraid of him, Sir Lancelot, I've got a rope all ready! |
| FATHER: You killed eight wedding guests in all! |
| LANCELOT: Well, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady. |
| FATHER: I can understand that. |
| HERBERT: Hurry, Sir Lancelot! Hurry! |
| FATHER: Shut up! You only killed the bride's father, that's all! |
| LANCELOT: Well, I really didn't mean to... |
| FATHER: Didn't mean to?! You put your sword right through his head! |
| LANCELOT: Oh, dear. Is he all right? |
| FATHER: You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost |
| me a fortune! |
| LANCELOT: Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north |
| from Camelot, when I got this note, you see-- |
| FATHER: Camelot? Are you from, uh, Camelot? |
| HERBERT: Hurry, Sir Lancelot! |
| LANCELOT: Uh, I am a Knight of King Arthur, sir. |
| FATHER: Pretty nice castle, Camelot. Uh, pretty good pig country.... |
| LANCELOT: Yes. |
| HERBERT: Hurry, I'm ready! |
| FATHER: Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink? |
| LANCELOT: Well, that's, uh, awfully nice of you. |
| HERBERT: I am ready! |
| [start to leave] |
| LANCELOT: --I mean to be, so understanding. |
| [thonk] |
| HERBERT: Oooh! |
| LANCELOT: Um, I think when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, |
| uh, sort of carried away. |
| FATHER: Oh, don't worry about that. |
| HERBERT: Oooh! |
| [splat] |
| |
| Scene 17 |
| [wailing] |
| FATHER: Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this |
| knocked through, and made into one big, uh, living room. |
| RANDOM: There he is! |
| FATHER: Oh, bloody hell. |
| LANCELOT: Ha-ha! etc. |
| FATHER: Hold it, hold it! Please! |
| LANCELOT: Sorry, sorry. See what I mean, I just get carried away. |
| I really must -- sorry, sorry! Sorry, everyone. |
| RANDOM: He's killed the best man! |
| [yelling] |
| FATHER: Hold it, please! Hold it! This is Sir Lancelot from the |
| gorge of Camelot -- a very brave and influential knight, and my special |
| guest here today. |
| LANCELOT: Hello. |
| RANDOM: He killed my auntie! |
| [yelling] |
| FATHER: Please, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! |
| Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to |
| witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy |
| wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen |
| to his death. But I think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained |
| a daughter! For, since the tragic death of her father-- |
| RANDOM: He's not quite dead! |
| FATHER: Since the near fatal wounding of her father-- |
| RANDOM: He's getting better! |
| FATHER: For, since her own father... who, when he seemed about to |
| recover, suddenly felt the icy hand fo death upon him,-- |
| [ugh] |
| RANDOM: Oh, he's died! |
| FATHER: And I want his only daughter to look upon me... as her own |
| dad -- in a very real, and legally binding sense. |
| [clapping] |
| And I feel sure that the merger -- uh, the union -- between the Princess |
| and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Lancelot of Camelot-- |
| LANCELOT: What? |
| RANDOM: Look! The dead Prince! |
| CONCORDE: He's not quite dead! |
| HERBERT: Oh, I feel much better. |
| FATHER: You fell out of the cold tower, you creep! |
| HERBERT: No, I was saved at the last minute. |
| FATHER: How?! |
| HERBERT: Well, I'll tell you... |
| [music] |
| FATHER: Not like that! Not like that! No, stop it! |
| SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell! |
| FATHER: Shut up! |
| SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell! |
| He's going to tell! He's going to tell! |
| He's going to tell! He's going to tell! |
| He's going to tell! He's going to tell! |
| CONCORDE: Quickly, sir! This way! |
| LANCELOT: No, it's not in my idiom! I must escape more....(sigh) |
| CONCORDE: Dramatically, sir? |
| LANCELOT: Dramatically! Hee! Ha! |
| [crash] |
| Excuse me, could, uh, could somebody give me a push, please...? |
| |
| Scene 18 |
| |
| [clop clop] |
| ARTHUR: Old crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy |
| a shrubbery! |
| [chord] |
| CRONE: Who sent you? |
| ARTHUR: The Knights Who Say Nee. |
| CRONE: Agh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here. |
| ARTHUR: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend |
| and I will say... we will say... 'nee'. |
| CRONE: Agh! Do your worst! |
| ARTHUR: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... nee! |
| CRONE: No! Never! No shrubberies! |
| ARTHUR: Nee! |
| BEDEMIR: Noo! Noo! |
| ARTHUR: No, no, no, no -- it's not that, it's 'nee'. |
| BEDEMIR: Noo! |
| ARTHUR: No, no -- 'nee'. You're not doing it properly. |
| BEDEMIR: Noo! Nee! |
| ARTHUR: That's it, that's it, you've got it. |
| ARTHUR and BEDEMIR: Nee! Nee! |
| ROGER: Are you saying 'nee' to that old woman? |
| ARTHUR: Um, yes. |
| ROGER: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can 'nee' |
| at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is |
| sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under |
| considerable economic stress at this period in history. |
| ARTHUR: Did you say 'shrubberies'? |
| ROGER: Yes, shrubberies are my trade -- I am a shrubber. My name |
| is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies. |
| BEDEMIR: Nee! |
| ARTHUR: No! No, no, no! No! |
| |
| Scene 19 |
| |
| ARTHUR: O, Knights of Nee, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we |
| go now? |
| HEAD KNIGHT: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. |
| But there is one small problem. |
| ARTHUR: What is that? |
| HEAD KNIGHT: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say Nee. |
| RANDOM: Nee! |
| HEAD KNIGHT: Shh shh. We are now the Knights Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky- |
| ecky-pikang-zoom-boing-mumble-mumble. |
| RANDOM: Nee! |
| HEAD KNIGHT: Therefore, we must give you a test. |
| ARTHUR: What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights Who 'Til Recently |
| Said Nee? |
| HEAD KNIGHT: Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery! |
| [chord] |
| ARTHUR: Not another shrubbery! |
| HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place |
| it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a |
| two-level effect with a little path running down the middle. |
| RANDOM: A path! A path! Nee! |
| HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut |
| down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring! |
| [chord] |
| ARTHUR: We shall do no such thing! |
| HEAD KNIGHT: Oh, please! |
| ARTHUR: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done. |
| KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! |
| HEAD KNIGHT: Don't say that word. |
| ARTHUR: What word? |
| HEAD KNIGHT: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words |
| the Knights of Nee cannot hear. |
| ARTHUR: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is? |
| KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! |
| ARTHUR: What, 'is'? |
| HEAD KNIGHT: No, not "is" -- we couldn't get vary far in life not |
| |
| Ooops I'm out of time. i'll send the rest tomorrow. |
| |
| Eric |